There are two sides to every story and with a child there is the fun side (playtime) and the not so fun side (nappy changes!). As a couple you have to split the responsibility for the nasty middle of the night nappy changes as well as the tickle fights!
Nichole and I tend to have heated discussions about the amount I do to look after Mabel. All couples will have this discussion and there are many counter arguments. I have to go to work in the morning! is one of the best. I am out of the house over 12 hours of the day and in that time Nichole looks after Mabel, so when I get home or if it's the weekend, Nichole feels that I should then take responsibility for our little bundle of Joy. This is where opinion differs and we will always hit an impasse. It is one of the questions that the sexes have been fighting over throughout the history of time, which amounts to more staying at home or going to work? What hurts more a kick in the nuts or childbirth? Well I have devised a point system to solve it. You get +/- points for the things that you do that surround the child, the partner with the most points, is right!
Female
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Male
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9 Months of Pregnancy
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1
| |
Caring for Pregnant spouse for 9 months
|
1
| |
Drinking and not having to drive
|
1
| |
Being allowed to complain
|
1
| |
Listening to pregnant wife moaning about being pregnant
|
1
| |
Child Birth
|
1
| |
Having your innocence cruelly snatched away
|
1
| |
Learning that girls are not made of Sugar and Spice
|
1
| |
The pain oh god the pain
|
1
| |
Breastfeeding
|
1
| |
Nappy Changing
|
1
|
1
|
Feeding
|
1
|
1
|
Work
|
1
| |
Staying at home
|
1
| |
Total
|
8
|
8
|
 |
| Cuddles before more playtime |
In our family the division of child care falls on me and I must say it is an amazing thing, but you can get frustrated with your partner if when they get home they do not join in to help. Doug works full time and commutes a silly amount, this means during the weekdays I take on everything, but what he fails to realise is that childcare is not the only thing I do at home, I also work by running a household making sure all the chores are done from laundry and hoovering, to doing the food shopping and getting dinner on the table. I have failed a little bit at this recently but that is because being so heavily pregnant I am unable to physically do things, and I do try. Unfortunately this is when I really need Doug to help out and take on some of the duties in looking after Mabel and some of the housework, instead of using the excuse of ‘But I go to work’?.
I think we both find it hard to understand where the other is coming from. It is easy to think you have the harder rub of the green and this becomes harder to comprehend the more tired you get. It might not be clear but I would swap in an instance. If roles were reversed, staying at home and caring for the kids would be something that I would bite your hands off to do.There may be an element of my underlying belief that it is easier or at the least you are more in control of your day than going to work, but it is still the case I don't enjoy commuting, working, gardening, DIY or reading the gas meter as much as I enjoy spending time with our child, however these things have to be done and as the man of the house I feel it is my responsibility to do them. A lot of Nichole’s frustration comes from being isolated at home or that is what I believe, she has no escape from the noise, mess and general chaos of children. While she sees me head off to work, where I spend 12hrs out of the house meeting with colleagues and friends, her and the kids are out of sight and out of mind if that is what she feels. She has no escape, over the 1 year and 6 months of Mabel’s life I would be surprised if I had to spend more than 12 hours total with her alone! This is not my choice! I try to encourage Nic to see friends but I believe the year away from work has made her feel isolated, and now some fear is preventing her from getting away from finding an escape that we all need. This then manifests itself in frustration when I am unable to take the initiative, which I admit I am terrible at taking, the only time I will take control is if it is necessary. If there is someone else who is willing I am happy to sit back and coast, this does not just apply to child rearing.
When it comes to looking after Mabel there is the fun aspect in playtime and taking her out for walks to explore the world, but there is feeding, dressing, nappy changes, bath time, night time routines and also now having to control little tantrums that occur. I often have to push Doug to do things in order for him to learn such as when does Mabel eat? What does she eat? How much to give her? If I did everything all the time regardless of Doug working full time then our family bond would be somewhat disconnected. Yes bringing home money is crucial to living, but the most important thing for me is that Mabel has both her Mother and Father looking after her.
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| Mabel helping Daddy with work |
I seem to have moved away from the subject at hand and it has opened up to a larger more complex topic. To be totally honest I am not sure how we divide the household work but it does get divided and it gets done, but from my experience the standard doesn't count, you have to step up and do the extra things. To make Nichole and Mabel feel as the important part of my life as they are, I have to move away from the responsibilities that I have assigned and pick up extra things outside of this circle. This is something I haven't done in the past, but with the new arrival on the doorstep I will need to make these changes in the future.
You can have a point scoring system but I have found that it is both of us meeting in the middle that works well. Neither are wrong or right, it is just about coming together to build a stable and strong family unit where each of us at times take on a little bit more responsibility, as and when is required. Communicating with Doug and asking for help will make life that little bit easier, especially these next couple of weeks when I need to rest. After all when baby number 2 comes along it will start to get a bit manic, but I can assure you we have discussed this and will be working together to get all things done.
However you weigh up each person’s contribution, in the end it doesn’t matter. This is not something that is going to be answered completely. What it boils down to is understanding your partner's point of view, or that's what it is for us. We each need to listen and do more to acknowledge what the other does.
D & N
